Last week I wrote about a realisation I had just over a year ago: that some of the things I had always thought were part of my personality might actually be intelligent adaptations: being the capable, reliable person who gets things done.
I had spent years seeing these qualities as strengths, and in many ways, they are. I like being someone people can rely on. I am resourceful, independent and pretty good at sorting things out when they need sorting.
The revelation was recognising how exhausting it becomes when you don't know how to be anything else but capable, because there is a difference between choosing to take responsibility and feeling as though you always have to.
And I think that is where the armour starts to become heavy.
When A Strength Becomes Your Default
I've been thinking a lot about armour over the past year, particularly the fact that most of us don't put it on consciously.
We adapt, and we learn what works: perhaps being helpful earns approval; being easy-going avoids conflict; achievement gets recognised and/or staying in control reduces uncertainty.
So we keep doing it.
The response becomes familiar, and eventually we stop seeing it as a response at all. It simply becomes how we move through the world.
The problem comes when we lose the ability to choose:
- If I have to be capable, asking for help becomes incredibly difficult.
- When my value comes from being useful, resting can feel uncomfortable.
- If keeping everyone happy makes me feel safe, a boundary can feel far more threatening than it probably is.
These are the things I've started to notice in myself. The behaviour might look positive from the outside, yet the internal experience tells a very different story.
The Cost Of Always Being The Strong One
Armour takes energy to maintain. You have to remember who needs what. Anticipate problems before they happen. Keep things moving. Make sure everyone is OK.
Perhaps you become so good at managing everything that nobody thinks to ask whether you need anything.
And why would they? You've spent years showing them you've got it covered.
I know I've done this. I've been frustrated that nobody has stepped in to help while simultaneously giving everyone around me the impression that I don't need any.
I've wanted someone to take something off my plate, and then struggled to let go when they tried.
I've resented carrying the load while telling myself it was easier if I just did it.
That's the contradiction I've had to sit with. My armour helped me feel in control, but it also created some of the very situations I found myself struggling with.
Armour Changes Our Relationships
I don't think we always realise how much our protective patterns shape the people around us.
When I automatically step in, other people learn that I will. When I don't communicate what I need, they have to guess. If I repeatedly say yes when I mean no, the people in my life naturally come to expect that version of me.
Then I change. I start setting boundaries, I say no, and I ask someone else to take responsibility. And suddenly there's pushback. This is something I don't think we talk about enough.
Changing a pattern doesn't only create discomfort for us. It can create discomfort in our relationships, too.
The people around us have become used to our armour, perhaps they've even benefited from it. So when we begin behaving differently, they have to adjust as well.
I've found that difficult because my good-girl pattern really doesn't like disappointing people. Pushback can immediately trigger the old feeling that I'm being difficult or letting someone down.
And this is where taking off the armour becomes real. It's relatively easy to understand a pattern. Living differently when someone else doesn't like the change is another matter entirely.
You Can Be Grateful For Your Armour
There is a temptation, once you recognise a pattern, to want to get rid of it. I don't feel that way about my armour, it has served me incredibly well.
Being capable has helped me build businesses, raise my children, support other people and navigate some very difficult periods of my life.
My independence has given me courage. My ability to get things done has created opportunities I'm incredibly grateful for. I don't want to lose those parts of myself.
What I'm learning is that I want choice.
I want to be capable because I choose to step forward, rather than because I don't know how to step back.
I want to help because I genuinely have the capacity, rather than because saying no fills me with guilt.
And I'd quite like to get better at actually asking for help instead of doing everything myself, huffing and puffing about how much I've got to do, and wondering why nobody has magically noticed (I'm still working on that one).
What Would It Feel Like To Put Something Down?
Perhaps this is the real cost of wearing our armour all the time. We become so practised at protecting ourselves that we forget what it feels like to move through life without carrying all that weight.
Over the last year, I've started experimenting with putting pieces down. Sometimes that means asking for help. Sometimes it means noticing that I'm about to step in and choosing to wait.
Other times, it's allowing somebody to be disappointed with my decision without immediately trying to make it better. I don't always get it right.
There are plenty of moments when I find myself halfway through an old pattern before I realise what's happening.
And, I notice more now and with that awareness comes the possibility of doing something differently.
Taking Off The Armour
This is the work behind Taking Off the Armour.
It grew from my own experience of recognising how many of the behaviours I'd once accepted as "just who I am" had developed for a reason.
Understanding that has changed the way I relate to myself. I have more compassion for the woman who learned to be capable, useful and needed. I'm also learning that she doesn't have to carry everything anymore.
If you've been reading this and recognising yourself in some of these patterns, you can find out more about Taking Off the Armour here.
You don't have to put it all down today.
Perhaps, for now, you could simply ask yourself:
What is my armour costing me?