We all have a default behaviour – the way we react when we’re tired, stressed, or triggered. Sometimes that default behaviour looks like people-pleasing, perfectionism, or shutting down. Other times it’s scrolling on our phone, avoiding a hard conversation, or overworking. These protective strategies may have once kept us safe, but when we live on autopilot, they stop us from growing into our fullest selves.
The other day I caught myself falling into one of my old default behaviours. Something small had gone wrong—nothing life-changing, but enough to unsettle me—and before I knew it, I was tidying the kitchen cupboards at 10pm. It wasn’t about the cupboards. It was about control.
What Is Default Behaviour?
Default behaviour is our automatic, often unconscious response to situations, shaped by years of conditioning and protective strategies. It’s how we react without pausing to think or align with our values. These behaviours are not flaws—they are strategies we once relied on to feel safe and survive.
But over time, default behaviours can hold us back. Instead of helping us navigate life effectively, they can trap us in autopilot, keeping us stuck in patterns that no longer serve us.
Protective Strategies: The Armour We Wear
We all have our own armour. For me, it’s often busyness and over-achieving. If I keep going, if I prove myself, if I don’t stop… then I don’t have to sit with the uncomfortable feelings.
Maybe your armour looks different: perfectionism, people-pleasing, withdrawing from others, controlling food or exercise.
These protective strategies once helped us survive. They kept us safe in environments where being perfect, agreeable, invisible, or hard-working helped us avoid shame, criticism, or rejection. But when we rely on them too heavily, they stop serving us and start keeping us stuck.
Integrity: The Compass Within
One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned is that integrity isn’t just about being honest with others—it’s about being honest with myself.
Am I cleaning the cupboards because it really matters to me—or because I feel out of control somewhere else?
Am I saying “yes” because it’s aligned with my values—or because I don’t want to upset someone?
Am I pushing through another late night of work because it’s truly necessary—or because I’m afraid of being seen as lazy, or not good enough?
Integrity is the compass that pulls us back to our truth. Michael Jensen writes that integrity is not about morality; it’s about wholeness. When we are in integrity, our word and actions line up with our commitments, and life flows more smoothly. When integrity is missing, things break down—like a wheel with missing spokes.
It’s not about never slipping. It’s about noticing when we do, and choosing to return to alignment.
The Practice of Self-Mastery
Self-Mastery is not a destination—it’s a practice. It’s a cycle of awareness, compassion, and choice:
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Awareness – noticing your default behaviours in the moment. “Ah, there I go again, scrolling instead of resting.”
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Compassion – understanding why. “This makes sense—I’m trying to soothe myself because I felt criticised today.”
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Choice – deciding how you want to respond instead. “I don’t want to numb out tonight. What I really need is to journal, or rest, or call a friend.”
Self-Mastery doesn’t mean we’ll never fall back into old patterns. I still do. But with practice, you catch yourself sooner, recover faster, and make choices that honour your values instead of letting fear steer the ship.
Moving Beyond Default Behaviour
Your default behaviours are not your destiny. They are echoes of strategies that once helped you survive. Survival is not the same as living.
Self-Mastery is about living with choice, courage, and integrity. It’s about taking off the armour piece by piece, trusting that you are strong enough without it.
Because the truth is: you don’t need to prove your worth by being perfect. You don’t need to earn love by keeping everyone happy. You don’t need to control everything to feel safe.
You are already enough.
The cupboards can wait.
Ready to explore your own protective strategies? I’ve created a short quiz to help you uncover the armour you might be wearing—and how it shows up in your daily life. Take the quiz [here] and start noticing your default behaviours with more clarity and compassion.